Love is the Greatest Adventure.
Written in September 2020. Outfit worn on September 3rd, 2020.

Not so much the bus (that i want to turn into a tiny house) and the adventurous life, not to travel the entire world and experience everything under the sun, not even to meet interesting people and hear their stories or to set out to change the world into something more understanding, empathetic and fair. Things i thought i wanted more than anything–things i KNOW i still do want deep down.
I remind myself of those things and my natural response to them is now: “Well, i guess that could maybe, possibly be nice…”
…Or, at least i didn’t.
This is a sickness i never could have imagined. A longing that devours all other longings.
It nauseates me, it makes me feel weak and lightheaded and unable to think straight. It hurts like nothing else.
And all it is is a desire for a return trip. Longing for an uncomfortable journey to be over.
Never once have i ever had these feelings about even the most grueling moments of an adventure.
I’ve always taken the worst as part of the beauty of the journey. I’ve always been left excited, relentless in pursuit of what’s around the bend. Forever unwilling to return to the mundane.
That no longer comes as easy. I long too restlessly for the comfort of his arms.
..To “go home to Cody”, though?… To a place that i logically know is not my home?
–but my heart keeps screaming that it is, that wherever he is, is home, and it won’t shut up.

Next thing i know, i’ll finally be on the road…Genuinely without a permanent, traditional home.
That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful chills down my spine…
“Alissa the nomad”.
For as long as i can remember i deeply believed that was my one and only possible destiny, the only thing that could ever make me feel whole. Reckless adventures. A life full of this elusive, so-called, “meaning”. Even a life that might end in a tragic, early death–*that* somehow comforted me most of all.
I’ve realized that dreaming of adventure was the main coping mechanism i clung to using because i didn’t feel safe. The idea of throwing myself into potential danger made me feel in control.
Even though our problems feel so small to me…
I have to accept and move forward.
Exploring the depths of your personality, your mind, your heart…That was a journey in and of itself. A road that never reached an end.

Bandaids on a Heart Torn Out of My Chest – An Outfit Representing Romantic Insecurities and Healing
Poem written on November 27, 2022. Outfit worn on January 11, 2023.Disclaimer: The following poem as a whole does not represent my current relationships or their quality. It simply reflects my fears. Polyamory has been a wonderful, though challenging, adventure full...
“It Isn’t Love If It’s Selfish” – An Outfit Representing Lost Love and Vulnerability
For so long, i’ve told myself: “It isn’t love if it’s selfish”.
There’s still nothing in me that has stopped believing that’s true.
Desire paired with selfishness is only possessiveness and in action, it’s only consumption.
It’s cruel and it enslaves. It suffocates. It disregards the needs, wants, and desires of another. It inflicts pain to all involved.
But what makes something selfish, anyway?
I’m not sure i actually know….. Is everything i want automatically selfish in my mind?… everything i think i can’t have?
Long Question – An Outfit Representing the Painful Beauty of Heartache
Have you ever felt heartache so strong, so beautiful, so wonderfully painful;
…one that makes you sigh with relief, contemplating that you’ve lived and loved to the fullest you could possibly imagine…?
Super love reading your lines, you’re an amazing writer…Wish you a very happy New Year.
Thank you so much!! Wishing you a very happy new year as well!
How wonderful to send this message of love to someone. I think we can all relate, we’ve all felt it at one point, and thankfully we can all say it gets better, and then the pain is gone entirely and we are happy with life once again. The hurts make us appreciate love so much more when we find it, or it finds us again, in our futures. Best of luck to you with your healing, I hope it comes quickly.
Thank you so much!… Definitely still deep in the pain, trying to appreciate that it means i loved deeply and lost much…but that it’ll pass and hope itself isn’t lost. It’s hard to see right now! I really appreciate your comment as it makes me feel less alone, and stronger for that!
Wah I never knew you were such a good writer! Thanks for putting together this and HNY also!
Thank you so much!! ??
Happy New year to you, too!
Your outfit is very beautiful and looks nice on you.Beautiful photos of you.I wish you a happy and healthy New year!
Thank you, Amila! I wish you a wonderful New Year as well!