Written on September 29th, 2020. Outfit worn on August 20th, 2020.
Have you ever felt heartache so strong, so beautiful, so wonderfully painful;
…one that makes you sigh with relief, contemplating that you’ve lived and loved to the fullest you could possibly imagine;
…a heartache that feels like a thousand perfectly lived lives;
…one that (even in the midst of a life you love) makes you believe you could be ecstatic if your last moment was spent choking on your own tears,
–content with that last tinge of longing being the last feeling you ever experience?
Maybe i’m depressed…Or maybe i’m healing. Pain is a natural part of the healing process…and a natural response when you’ve loved deeply and have to let go.
For so long, i’ve told myself: “It isn’t love if it’s selfish”.
There’s still nothing in me that has stopped believing that’s true.
Desire paired with selfishness is only possessiveness and in action, it’s only consumption.
It’s cruel and it enslaves. It suffocates. It disregards the needs, wants, and desires of another. It inflicts pain to all involved.
But what makes something selfish, anyway?
I’m not sure i actually know….. Is everything i want automatically selfish in my mind?… everything i think i can’t have?
I wonder all the time if i sabotaged our relationship.
Together for 5 beautiful years…Over in the blink of an eye.
Am i the villain of my own story?
There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!