Written on September 29th, 2020. Outfit worn on August 20th, 2020.
Have you ever felt heartache so strong, so beautiful, so wonderfully painful;
…one that makes you sigh with relief, contemplating that you’ve lived and loved to the fullest you could possibly imagine;
…a heartache that feels like a thousand perfectly lived lives;
…one that (even in the midst of a life you love) makes you believe you could be ecstatic if your last moment was spent choking on your own tears,
–content with that last tinge of longing being the last feeling you ever experience?
Maybe i’m depressed…Or maybe i’m healing. Pain is a natural part of the healing process…and a natural response when you’ve loved deeply and have to let go.
There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!
I don’t really have a place to call
“home”. That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful
chills down my spine… “Alissa the nomad”. For as long as i can remember
i deeply believed that was my
one and only possible destiny;
the only thing that could ever
make me feel whole.
Now all i want is to go home.
Through the entirety of almost 5 years together, every time i looked at him or heard him laugh, i felt like i was dreaming. My fear was waking up, not breaking up.