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Relational Sabotage.

Written on January 3rd, 2020. Outfit worn on October 1st, 2020.

Relational Sabotage Alissa Ackerman Story Behind The Cloth fashion blog edgy sporty romantic outfit Heartbreak breakup love villain obsession loss Quote
I wonder all the time if i sabotaged our relationship.

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Together for 5 beautiful years…Over in the blink of an eye.

Am i the villain of my own story?

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I must’ve done something horrible for it to end. For the safest place i’ve ever known to be made unavailable to return to. For his love to dissolve.

Did something in me insist I didn’t deserve to be happy? Did something in me force our end?

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My mind churns, trying to smooth out fact from fiction… Somehow, i can only make myself out to be the bad guy. My failures overwhelming my entire being, becoming all i can see.
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Stuff piles up when life is swallowing you whole. Important things get left undone.

But i still should’ve known better. I know fully well what matters to him. So why did i fail to care enough?

My priorities weren’t where we longed for them to be. I focused on striving to rediscover purpose and hope…..and didn’t even find it. Our relationship was put on the back burner…. No–it was taken off the stove entirely.

Who’s the bad guy? Probably neither of us. Maybe both of us. My goals were ultimately good. His needs were still important. We both failed to see each other clearly.

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A couple works together. A couple communicates needs. At some point we stopped. Essentially roommates… And not very good ones.

We were so good before. Then the stresses of life wore us down until we were no longer “us” but “me and you”. A couple of individuals under the same roof. Barely familiar any longer.

My mission to find myself ultimately led to sabotaging us. It didn’t have to.

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I didn’t mean for our relationship to die. I didn’t mean for our needs to go unfulfilled. I didn’t mean to fall to obsession and lose everything in the process of finding nothing.

Now my new obsession is questioning how we failed. It will bring me to ruin once again.

“It Isn’t Love If It’s Selfish” – An Outfit Representing Lost Love and Vulnerability

“It Isn’t Love If It’s Selfish” – An Outfit Representing Lost Love and Vulnerability

For so long, i’ve told myself: “It isn’t love if it’s selfish”.

There’s still nothing in me that has stopped believing that’s true.

Desire paired with selfishness is only possessiveness and in action, it’s only consumption.

It’s cruel and it enslaves. It suffocates. It disregards the needs, wants, and desires of another. It inflicts pain to all involved.

But what makes something selfish, anyway?
I’m not sure i actually know….. Is everything i want automatically selfish in my mind?… everything i think i can’t have?

Trailblazing – An Outfit Representing Paving My Own Journey

Trailblazing – An Outfit Representing Paving My Own Journey

There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!

10 Steps to Declutter Your Closet for a Wardrobe You Love
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