Written on January 3rd, 2020. Outfit worn on October 1st, 2020.
Together for 5 beautiful years…Over in the blink of an eye.
Am i the villain of my own story?
Did something in me insist I didn’t deserve to be happy? Did something in me force our end?
But i still should’ve known better. I know fully well what matters to him. So why did i fail to care enough?
My priorities weren’t where we longed for them to be. I focused on striving to rediscover purpose and hope…..and didn’t even find it. Our relationship was put on the back burner…. No–it was taken off the stove entirely.
Who’s the bad guy? Probably neither of us. Maybe both of us. My goals were ultimately good. His needs were still important. We both failed to see each other clearly.
A couple works together. A couple communicates needs. At some point we stopped. Essentially roommates… And not very good ones.
We were so good before. Then the stresses of life wore us down until we were no longer “us” but “me and you”. A couple of individuals under the same roof. Barely familiar any longer.
My mission to find myself ultimately led to sabotaging us. It didn’t have to.
Now my new obsession is questioning how we failed. It will bring me to ruin once again.
For so long, i’ve told myself: “It isn’t love if it’s selfish”.
There’s still nothing in me that has stopped believing that’s true.
Desire paired with selfishness is only possessiveness and in action, it’s only consumption.
It’s cruel and it enslaves. It suffocates. It disregards the needs, wants, and desires of another. It inflicts pain to all involved.
But what makes something selfish, anyway?
I’m not sure i actually know….. Is everything i want automatically selfish in my mind?… everything i think i can’t have?
Have you ever felt heartache so strong, so beautiful, so wonderfully painful;
…one that makes you sigh with relief, contemplating that you’ve lived and loved to the fullest you could possibly imagine…?
There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!