Written on January 3rd, 2020. Outfit worn on October 1st, 2020.
Together for 5 beautiful years…Over in the blink of an eye.
Am i the villain of my own story?
Did something in me insist I didn’t deserve to be happy? Did something in me force our end?
But i still should’ve known better. I know fully well what matters to him. So why did i fail to care enough?
My priorities weren’t where we longed for them to be. I focused on striving to rediscover purpose and hope…..and didn’t even find it. Our relationship was put on the back burner…. No–it was taken off the stove entirely.
Who’s the bad guy? Probably neither of us. Maybe both of us. My goals were ultimately good. His needs were still important. We both failed to see each other clearly.
A couple works together. A couple communicates needs. At some point we stopped. Essentially roommates… And not very good ones.
We were so good before. Then the stresses of life wore us down until we were no longer “us” but “me and you”. A couple of individuals under the same roof. Barely familiar any longer.
My mission to find myself ultimately led to sabotaging us. It didn’t have to.
Now my new obsession is questioning how we failed. It will bring me to ruin once again.
I don’t really have a place to call
“home”. That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful
chills down my spine… “Alissa the nomad”. For as long as i can remember
i deeply believed that was my
one and only possible destiny;
the only thing that could ever
make me feel whole.
Now all i want is to go home.
Through the entirety of almost 5 years together, every time i looked at him or heard him laugh, i felt like i was dreaming. My fear was waking up, not breaking up.
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