In My Pajamas, ‘Cause i Have Nowhere to Go.
This is an embarrassing post for me to publish.
Since April i’ve been living in my parents’ basement. That might sound worse than it really is… It’s fairly clean, carpeted, and separated out into a few different rooms. I’m thankful that i wasn’t forced out on my own, left in California where my only option would have ended up being to struggle to work several jobs and still not be able to afford rent.
But it’s cold and dark with lack of natural light. It’s lonely, though pleasantly quiet. I’ve finally just last week figured out how to make lighting tolerable for photography. I work and work with what i’ve got…fine until anxiety creeps towards panic attack and i can’t handle myself anymore. I constantly feel like i can’t get anything right. How am i supposed to be a “fashion blogger”? Or anything for that matter. I feel stuck.
My car broke down before moving. I don’t have a job…besides selling on Poshmark, which i go back and forth between being proud of my effort and where it’s going, to horribly afraid that i’ll never make enough money to make my situation healthy. I’ve neglected making friends, in the name of focusing on myself for a while…but it’s only made me more of a recluse.
I stay here in the basement all day, most every day (some days are better than others…but days out are pretty wonderful!). Usually with my eyes glued to my computer. Occasionally hiding under my covers, not ready to face the world. I have a difficult time even getting myself upstairs to eat. I become more and more ashamed of who i’m becoming without freedom…and that just puts me in more chains.
When this is the life you live, it’s easy to just throw on the most simplistic outfit you can grab or, gross as it is, wear the same cozy sweatpants and sweater all week. Wake up, shower (or sometimes not), and then throw on the same pieces again, and do the same thing the very next day. Only my boyfriend and family are here to see, anyway. Right? I’ve done it again.
Lately, this is the gist of what i wear:
And, though it may often be colorful and cozy, in the back of my mind, it actually depresses me further…a constant reminder of my failures, hanging from my skin. I’m such a wreck, i can hardly even dress myself anymore.
A lot of people envy a work-at-home life, sitting around in pajamas all day. But i can’t stand this anymore. Though i’ve always known i don’t work my best unless i get up and dressed, i’ve still gotten caught in this cycle.
So, this week, i decided i’m going to get all dressed up, even though i have nowhere to go.
Maybe this will help me, maybe it won’t. Maybe it will just give me more to panic over. But i figure it couldn’t be worse than just sitting around, having given up on trying.
Do i love this outfit? Not really. I don’t know what it is that is making me not entirely happy with it. But i suppose it’s good enough. It’s certainly more put-together, while still being fairly cozy, and has a touch of whimsy with the belt and lace bootcuffs…Making me feel a little less like my life is falling apart.
I don’t think i’m ugly. But lately, i have been looking in the mirror asking “Why in the world do you think you can be a fashion blogger??”. I don’t normally wear makeup… Not because i don’t like it, but because it never became a habit. My face was extra flushy today, so i decided to dab on some foundation and was surprised that it made me feel a bit better…that and ditching my glasses. I haven’t regularly worn contacts for such a long time! There are days that call for throwing on my glasses, and where a fresh-makeupless-face feels nice–but today wasn’t one of them.
It would be kind of nice to have space to get my camera to comfortably take full body shots. But right now i don’t. And i think i can accept that for now.
So far, i’m feeling a little better about myself today. Maybe it’s just from the courage to even post this.
Items in the outfit:
(*The following contains affiliate links, ’cause why not? This means that if you click on any of the item links to make a purchase, i will earn a small commission, at no extra cost to you. I hope you enjoy browsing my picks, and find some inspiration!)
- Cream-colored sweater dress: Forever 21, bought on Poshmark from @mountainmartha. $11.60.
- Black convertible ballet tights: BLOCH, bought at Dancer’s Warehouse. $13.
- Espresso-colored ankle booties: Target, but found at Plato’s Closet BRAND NEW during a huge clearance sale. $1 (you read that right!).
- Burgundy suede embroidered tie-closed belt: Mary-Kate and Ashley, Target, owned since i was 9…Don’t know the price.
- Sunflower-esque, black and gold lace boot-cuffs: Aliexpress. $1.05.
I can definitely relate to that so much!
I think it’s amazing how tiny, positive changes can make a big difference. I love that choosing an outfit that makes us feel good can effect us in a way that we also start to feel a little better about ourselves in general. I know for me, my depression/anxiety gets so much worse when i’m dwelling on things that make me feel crappy–so anything that makes me feel good normally goes a pretty long way…Especially if it’s tangible and close. This helped me more than i expected.
I hope the challenge helps you! ? If you post any of it on social media or your blog, i’d love to see!
It appears we may have a similar affliction. I suffer from anxiety and depression. It does show in the way we dress. On my worst days, I look terrible. But my family recognizes a good day when my hair and makeup are on point and I’m walking with a little more pep than usual. I think it’s time for me to take this challenge!
I love your post! Why? It’s…honest, transparent, beautiful inspite of the struggle, because you are risking and sharing yourself, who I personally know to be a thoughtful and thought provoking beauty, inside and out!! I’m sure that many will relate to the raw truth that we can all get into slumps in life and need to do something proactive to pull ourselves out of it. You are wonderful, unique you in your cumfy, lazy clothes as well as when you are all dressed up! You are lovely, loved, loveable…with a pinch of this and a pinch of that of circumstances that would make anyone grit their teeth, moan and groan as they grow through ‘life’! Keep pressing on! We love hearing your heart!! ♡
Thank you, Mom ❤️