Love is the Greatest Adventure.

Written in September 2020. Outfit worn on September 3rd, 2020.

Your Love Was My Favorite Adventure Alissa Ackerman Story Behind The Cloth fashion blog adventurous romantic outfit 1
I’ve been frustrated and extremely careful not to ask myself, “What do you want?” because the answer is always and immediately: “To go home to Cody.”

Not so much the bus (that i want to turn into a tiny house) and the adventurous life, not to travel the entire world and experience everything under the sun, not even to meet interesting people and hear their stories or to set out to change the world into something more understanding, empathetic and fair. Things i thought i wanted more than anything–things i KNOW i still do want deep down.

I remind myself of those things and my natural response to them is now: “Well, i guess that could maybe, possibly be nice…”

I’ve become largely uninterested in it all. Becuase i don’t have what i want most.
It. Sucks. It’s dumb. I wish i could change how i feel with a snap of my fingers…But that’s unreasonable.
Break ups suck.
Things i forever thought i desired, existed for, needed in order to have a life worth living… They feel minuscule and uninspiring, lacking life and warmth.
don’t get home sick…..

…Or, at least i didn’t.

This is a sickness i never could have imagined. A longing that devours all other longings.

It nauseates me, it makes me feel weak and lightheaded and unable to think straight. It hurts like nothing else.

And all it is is a desire for a return trip. Longing for an uncomfortable journey to be over.

Never once have i ever had these feelings about even the most grueling moments of an adventure.

I’ve always taken the worst as part of the beauty of the journey. I’ve always been left excited, relentless in pursuit of what’s around the bend. Forever unwilling to return to the mundane.

That no longer comes as easy. I long too restlessly for the comfort of his arms.

..To “go home to Cody”, though?… To a place that i logically know is not my home?

–but my heart keeps screaming that it is, that wherever he is, is home, and it won’t shut up.

Your Love Was My Favorite Adventure Alissa Ackerman Story Behind The Cloth fashion blog adventurous romantic outfit scaled
I don’t really have a place to call home.

Next thing i know, i’ll finally be on the road…Genuinely without a permanent, traditional home.

That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful chills down my spine…

“Alissa the nomad”.

For as long as i can remember i deeply believed that was my one and only possible destiny, the only thing that could ever make me feel whole. Reckless adventures. A life full of this elusive, so-called, “meaning”. Even a life that might end in a tragic, early death–*that* somehow comforted me most of all.

I’ve realized that dreaming of adventure was the main coping mechanism i clung to using because i didn’t feel safe. The idea of throwing myself into potential danger made me feel in control.

Now it’s begun to feel like my only choice. Something almost purely practical. I want to really want it again–I’m back to needing it for a (mostly false) sense of security–but it’s hard to step away from real security after you finally had it.
Knowing Cody brought me contentment for the first time in my life and an immense feeling of safety, stability, and comfort that i never knew was possible–or desirable. He made me want to stop running away. I felt at home for the first time.
To go back to running away feels foolish.
And incredibly empty.
But what can i do?
It feels equally foolish to hope, though. To act like i have any right to try. To act like anything can or should be repaired.

Even though our problems feel so small to me…

I have to accept and move forward.

…”What do you want, Alissa?”…… That’s the question with the answers that only make me feel dejected and afraid.
But it’s not healthy to have to avoid asking myself what i hope for out of life.
I’m working to rediscover all new things to be glad to live for. It’s harder than it ought to be. I had what i didn’t know i wanted most.
I know i am capable of finding happiness, though i don’t always believe it…I just wish i could still stand close beside the person with whom i felt the happiest i’ve ever felt in my life.
There’s nothing the world could offer that i could want more.
I already found happiness, and now i grieve it.
The only adventures i truly need are the beautifully simple day-to-day ones…
In my eyes, what we had was perfect.

Exploring the depths of your personality, your mind, your heart…That was a journey in and of itself. A road that never reached an end.

Cody, your love was my favorite adventure.
Your Love Was My Favorite Adventure Alissa Ackerman Story Behind The Cloth fashion blog adventurous romantic outfit 4 scaled
Trailblazing – An Outfit Representing Paving My Own Journey

Trailblazing – An Outfit Representing Paving My Own Journey

There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!

Dead Tired

Dead Tired

I've been chronically exhausted since i was, like, 8 years old. I don't know why, but hopefully will soon. I'm finally getting it addressed with doctors... My psychiatrist gave me a cortisol test kit to see if i have adrenal fatigue and my primary physician referred...

More Mental Health Blog Posts:

Never Have I Ever – #FashionSelfLoveParty Game – Self-Care Edition

Never Have i Ever – Self-Care Edition.

1 point for everything you HAVE done!
Have you made good progress in taking better care of yourself?
Share: How many points did you get??
What are you missing?…Which one will you work on today?

Confidence and Self Love – Encouragement From Imaan at The August Clause

Confidence is an interesting thing, isn’t it? Some seem to shine with it, and with ease. Others feel they’ll never find it. But really, all of us deal with a lack of it from time to time. It comes and goes. We can be so hard on ourselves, and that attitude of shame then easily permeates the rest of our lives. We need to learn to love ourselves. And love is a continuous action…so sometimes we have to learn again and again.

Serenity -Outfit Styling Based on Desirable Qualities

An outfit styling based on the kind of person i want to be and qualities i hope to grow in this season of my life. Serenity, gentleness…Peace with myself and the world around me. Remembering my own past, but not letting it be the main thing to shape me. Allowing myself to grow, but not being angry about where i am at.
Loosely inspired by traditional Japanese style and ideals.

Warm Colors – Color Psychology Questionnaire Results

The following post is part of a series on how colors affect us. Much of the information contained is thanks to my wonderful readers who took the time to think about how they feel about various colors, submitting their opinions into my questionnaire. My hope is that it...

Fashion + Self Love Party: Curbing Unhealthy Spending & Loving the Wardrobe You Already Have

Guest post by Lindsey from Have Clothes, Will Travel.
Living in a day and age where everywhere we turn there is pressure to buy the latest and greatest fashion makes it very easy to fall into the “retail therapy” trap. And to make it even more difficult, our brain actually releases the pleasure-inducing chemical dopamine when you buy something new…
…getting addicted to this high is not only bad for your overall self-esteem, it can, obviously, be very damaging to your wallet.
However, I’ve taken a few measures to correct this…
… the trick to it all is creating the illusion you have a ton of clothes by swapping out key pieces when styling your outfits with clothes you already own.

Never Have I Ever – #FashionSelfLoveParty Game – Fashion Blunders Edition

Never Have I Ever – Fashion Blunders Edition!
We’re about to get REAL…

The most honest people win!
1 point for everything you HAVE done.
Share: How many points did you get?
Which one do you think is the hardest to overcome?

Color Psychology Questionnaire Results

It was so enjoyable reading all of your answers on the color psychology questionnaire! I’m excited to share with you the results, as well as further color psychology research to complement our study (just a little)! Some were surprising (Could orange be peaceful?; Could yellow be boring?), and others were pretty by-the-book, universally relatable (Red is passionate; Blue ranks as the top liked color; Gray is reminiscent of cloudy skies and seasonal depression).

Why “Dressing Your Age” is Nonsense

We’re never too young or too old to express ourselves. The idea of dressing your age is nonsense… Here are 6 reasons why:

Fashion + Self Love Party: How To Fall In Love With Yourself This Valentine’s Day!

Guest post by Lena from Lena Dee XO.
Valentine’s is fast approaching and more than often we’re caught up on having a love life with someone else. I bet you sometimes forget it’s okay to be madly in love with yourself and the person you’re becoming. I’m here to remind you NOW is the time to embrace yourself!

Dressing Up With Nowhere to Go – Day 2

Starting your day off with one little thing that oozes confidence can go a long way in positively impacting your day–i think that’s why dressing up is helping me so far…plus, by dressing up, you’re carrying that confidence right over your skin….it’s close and touchable, and therefore easier to remember. If you feel comfortable in your own skin, it’s a little easier to feel comfortable with your mind and your soul.

More Fashion-Philosophy:

Neutral Colors – Color Psychology Questionnaire Results

The following post is part of a series on how colors affect us. Much of the information contained is thanks to my wonderful readers who took the time to think about how they feel about various colors, submitting their opinions into my questionnaire. My hope is that it...

Classy Colorful Confidence: A Style Story Interview with Shannon Holmes | + Thoughts on Building Confidence, Alabama Culture, and The Beauty of Kindness

Shannon is a cheerful wife, mom, grandmother, and Realtor who lives and works in the Birmingham and Auburn areas of Alabama. She enjoys sharing her love for fashion, color, and life on her Instagram @StyleShenanigens.
Her confidence is unwavering, every day is an opportunity to be her best, and it truly shows in the playful professionalism of each outfit she wears. Her classy silhouettes elude her high standards for herself, and every pop of color gives way to her warm, open personality and kindheartedness. She’s incredibly sweet, passionate about life and people, and her upbeat attitude is inspiring.

Color Psychology Questionnaire Results

It was so enjoyable reading all of your answers on the color psychology questionnaire! I’m excited to share with you the results, as well as further color psychology research to complement our study (just a little)! Some were surprising (Could orange be peaceful?; Could yellow be boring?), and others were pretty by-the-book, universally relatable (Red is passionate; Blue ranks as the top liked color; Gray is reminiscent of cloudy skies and seasonal depression).

Fashion Anthropology: What Is THAT?

Anthropology is the study of humans. Fashion Anthropology uses clothing as a lens to understand who we are as people. Here’s how:

6 Ways Exploring Your Personal Fashion Style Encourages Self-Discovery

Fashion can be used as a powerful tool for self-discovery! Here are six big ways your personal style can shead light on who you are on the inside.

Fashion + Self Love Party: Uplift Your Confidence and Self-Esteem with Fashion

Guest post by Lia from A Southern Girl, Lia.
Fashion and the clothes you choose reflect and affect your mood and attitude.
The magic begins when you find a super cute outfit, you put it on grab some heels and Bam! You see a different person in the mirror and so you start acting like one too. Your confidence starts showing and you start building a high self-esteem. Don’t forget that little dance we all do in front of the mirror when we are feeling fabulous.
I hope that my step by step routine is of help to you!

Why “Dressing Your Age” is Nonsense

We’re never too young or too old to express ourselves. The idea of dressing your age is nonsense… Here are 6 reasons why:

You’re Invited! – Valentine’s Day Blog Party

Celebrate self-love through fashion!
We will be celebrating varieties of beauty and learning how to better love ourselves for who we are and how we express ourselves! 14 guest bloggers will teach you how to overcome insecurity and embrace the beautiful, unique individual you are.

Dressing Up With Nowhere to Go – Day 2

Starting your day off with one little thing that oozes confidence can go a long way in positively impacting your day–i think that’s why dressing up is helping me so far…plus, by dressing up, you’re carrying that confidence right over your skin….it’s close and touchable, and therefore easier to remember. If you feel comfortable in your own skin, it’s a little easier to feel comfortable with your mind and your soul.

Winner of #QuaintBehindTheCloth Challenge 2022

You voted for your favorite Quaint outfits…See who won!

Styles You’ll Enjoy If You Liked This Outfit:

Quaint Style Guide: 5 Elements of Cozy Mori-Kei Fashion

Charming clothing that is reminiscent of quiet and content, cabin-in-the-woods life–perfect for peaceful, sweet, nostalgic, quirky, independent (and especially introverted) individuals with a love for nature, creative works, and the idealistic thought of more simple, natural and relaxed living.
If that sounds like you, read on to learn how to create a wardrobe that is as Quaint as your soul, and slip into a quiet mindset as these nostalgic and cozy looks inspire a tranquil life full of simple pleasures and independence, surrounded by nature. With this charming, warm and comfy wardrobe strongly inspired by Mori-Kei (Japanese – Translates: “Forest Style”) you may experience a sense of peace and comfort in even the most hectic of days.

Dressing Up With Nowhere to Go – Day 4

Oops. Two days in a row the title is not true. My family is going out this afternoon to see a play, and i decided to go with them. Funny how the week i decide to dress up despite having nowhere to go, i actually have places to go, huh?

#QuaintBehindTheCloth Style Challenge 2022 – Vote for Your Favorites!

View and vote for your favorite enteries to the #QuaintBehindTheCloth outfit designing challenge! Who do you think will win?

Dressing Up With Nowhere to Go – Day 5

The day didn’t start out fantastic, but…I’m going to be fair to myself, with a focus on self-care and making sure i’m comfortable–first and foremost–while still pushing myself to do all that is necessary so that i feel accomplished at the end of the day.

So i’ll start off with comfy clothes and accepting that this post is being published later than the other ones were.

The Strength of Accepting Weakness

Accepting weakness begets strength.

I am queen of my darkness, and equally queen of my light.

I can own my struggles, i can own my pains, i can own those emotions that feel so very close to death.

They are mine, but i am not theirs.

I can relax in who i am, moment to moment, and see beauty even in the dark and quiet.

Trailblazing – An Outfit Representing Paving My Own Journey

There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!

Happiness Is Freedom

I do not believe that false “joy” and stagnant “hope” are the answer…But i do believe that happiness can be discovered in little things when you feel like it’s nowhere to be found. When we’re able to find true happiness, we gain power to free ourselves, both on an emotional level and in a way that allows us to more easily work towards our goals, which will set us free on a more tangible level.

“It Isn’t Love If It’s Selfish” – An Outfit Representing Lost Love and Vulnerability

For so long, i’ve told myself: “It isn’t love if it’s selfish”.

There’s still nothing in me that has stopped believing that’s true.

Desire paired with selfishness is only possessiveness and in action, it’s only consumption.

It’s cruel and it enslaves. It suffocates. It disregards the needs, wants, and desires of another. It inflicts pain to all involved.

But what makes something selfish, anyway?
I’m not sure i actually know….. Is everything i want automatically selfish in my mind?… everything i think i can’t have?

Winner of #QuaintBehindTheCloth Challenge 2022

You voted for your favorite Quaint outfits…See who won!

Dressing Up With Nowhere to Go – Day 7

I challenged myself at the beginning of this week to stop being lazy about my outfits just because i have nowhere to go, and instead start getting dressed up in clothes that make me feel good about myself that day.

I was surprised just how much more empowered i’ve been feeling with this simple task. By putting on clothes i love, and doing so for no apparent reason besides deciding i want to, i’ve also been putting on confidence.

What do you think? Will you try getting #AllDressedUp this week and see what it does for you?

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This
%d bloggers like this: