I Feared Waking Up.

Written in May 2020. Outfit worn on September 9th, 2020.
Through the entirety of almost 5 years together, every time i looked at him or heard him laugh,

i felt like i was dreaming.

My fear was waking up, not breaking up.

Never did i imagine being apart from him.

…but i guess this is the better scenario.

Better to break up than to wake up.

He’s still in my life. He exists.
The memories are real.
And i’m a different person than i was before we met.
It may feel nightmarish and hurt like hell… But at least the good parts weren’t a dream.
Life is really hard right now.
But my life wouldn’t be as beautiful without him having existed in it.
I would gladly relive all the pain if i could relive all the bliss, too.
The nightmares are worth it for the dream.


There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!

Your Love Was My Favorite Adventure

Your Love Was My Favorite Adventure

I don’t really have a place to call
“home”. That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful
chills down my spine… “Alissa the nomad”. For as long as i can remember
i deeply believed that was my
one and only possible destiny;
the only thing that could ever
make me feel whole.
Now all i want is to go home.

Dead Tired

Dead Tired

I've been chronically exhausted since i was, like, 8 years old. I don't know why, but hopefully will soon. I'm finally getting it addressed with doctors... My psychiatrist gave me a cortisol test kit to see if i have adrenal fatigue and my primary physician referred...

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