Love is the Greatest Adventure.
Written in September 2020. Outfit worn on September 3rd, 2020.
Not so much the bus (that i want to turn into a tiny house) and the adventurous life, not to travel the entire world and experience everything under the sun, not even to meet interesting people and hear their stories or to set out to change the world into something more understanding, empathetic and fair. Things i thought i wanted more than anything–things i KNOW i still do want deep down.
I remind myself of those things and my natural response to them is now: “Well, i guess that could maybe, possibly be nice…”
…Or, at least i didn’t.
This is a sickness i never could have imagined. A longing that devours all other longings.
It nauseates me, it makes me feel weak and lightheaded and unable to think straight. It hurts like nothing else.
And all it is is a desire for a return trip. Longing for an uncomfortable journey to be over.
Never once have i ever had these feelings about even the most grueling moments of an adventure.
I’ve always taken the worst as part of the beauty of the journey. I’ve always been left excited, relentless in pursuit of what’s around the bend. Forever unwilling to return to the mundane.
That no longer comes as easy. I long too restlessly for the comfort of his arms.
..To “go home to Cody”, though?… To a place that i logically know is not my home?
–but my heart keeps screaming that it is, that wherever he is, is home, and it won’t shut up.
Next thing i know, i’ll finally be on the road…Genuinely without a permanent, traditional home.
That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful chills down my spine…
“Alissa the nomad”.
For as long as i can remember i deeply believed that was my one and only possible destiny, the only thing that could ever make me feel whole. Reckless adventures. A life full of this elusive, so-called, “meaning”. Even a life that might end in a tragic, early death–*that* somehow comforted me most of all.
I’ve realized that dreaming of adventure was the main coping mechanism i clung to using because i didn’t feel safe. The idea of throwing myself into potential danger made me feel in control.
Even though our problems feel so small to me…
I have to accept and move forward.
Exploring the depths of your personality, your mind, your heart…That was a journey in and of itself. A road that never reached an end.
Accepting weakness begets strength.
I am queen of my darkness, and equally queen of my light.
I can own my struggles, i can own my pains, i can own those emotions that feel so very close to death.
They are mine, but i am not theirs.
I can relax in who i am, moment to moment, and see beauty even in the dark and quiet.
Spending some extra time deciding on my outfits is my favorite way to recognize my emotions and prioritize my mental health.
Artistic expression has always allowed me an avenue to slow down, explore, and find beauty in the things i feel.
Sometimes connecting with my emotions feels like pure magic… I find power in being in sync with how i feel and accepting myself as i am.
I have a bold, edgy side of me that I rarely let out. I’m done being held back. I want my gentle side and my bold side to intertwine into something more beautiful. Strong, but graceful; Seeking both justice and mercy in the very same heartbeat, without contradiction.