Open letter written on September 4th, 2020. Outfit worn on June 24th, 2020.
There’s still nothing in me that has stopped believing that’s true.
Desire paired with selfishness is only possessiveness and in action, it’s only consumption.
It’s cruel and it enslaves. It suffocates. It disregards the needs, wants, and desires of another. It inflicts pain to all involved.
But what makes something selfish, anyway?
I’m not sure i actually know….. Is everything i want automatically selfish in my mind?… everything i think i can’t have?
These beliefs have caused me to give up on fighting for what is lost.
If desire or adoration–of any kind–isn’t reciprocal, i’ve considered it vile.
I’ve told myself that even if it once was mutual, it isn’t noble to try and rekindle it. That would be a selfish act for a lost cause.
This has brought me an immense amount of fear, pain, and self-loathing.
It has caused me to withhold from telling you just how deeply i adore you, and just how deeply i grieve.
I’ve gotten through these last few months by repeatedly shaming myself with those words.
“It isn’t love if it’s selfish. It isn’t love if it’s selfish…”
Trying to snap myself out of feeling or wanting anything.
All it’s done is stunt my grieving process…it took me too long to realize how much i was hurting myself with it.
I need to love myself, too.
As i discover what it looks like for me to be healthy, happy, and emotionally and mentally sound, i’m realizing more and more just how much i keep bottling up how i feel and trying to pretend my feelings don’t exist. Even (especially?) when they are positive feelings.
(How many times do i have to relearn this until it becomes a solid, stupid, simple habit? I don’t know.)
Aside from the mass amount of fears and self-neglect i need to work through (and am currently, furiously fighting to improve)–the feelings that are most pertinent are in admiration, adoration, and care for you.
In all our 5 years knowing each other, there hasn’t been so much as a moment where the growth of these feelings has so much as slowed down.
I’m finally telling myself that just because how i feel may not result in anything or have any benefit, doesn’t mean it’s selfish for me to feel it or express it.
I never imagined i could adore anybody so much.
I never knew i could feel so loved and so deeply cared about–Even by somebody who is no longer my romantic partner.
You’re the greatest friend i could ever hope for, and i don’t know what i would do without you.
Yet there’s absolutely nothing i want more than–and absolutely nothing i wouldn’t give up for–a chance to love you completely and fully for the rest of my life.
I drive myself crazy thinking about how foolish that makes me feel, and trying to bury it all.
But i’ll say it. I’ll let it out without fear of whether it’s useful to say or not. Or whether it’s selfish.
I don’t want to live a life where i don’t get to be by your side.
I can’t keep telling myself to bury that thought and pretend i don’t feel as pained as i do.
I can’t keep telling myself that it’s evil of me to long for the love that we had.
I don’t know that how i feel will ever go away… I truly don’t believe it will.
I don’t really have a place to call
“home”. That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful
chills down my spine… “Alissa the nomad”. For as long as i can remember
i deeply believed that was my
one and only possible destiny;
the only thing that could ever
make me feel whole.
Now all i want is to go home.
Through the entirety of almost 5 years together, every time i looked at him or heard him laugh, i felt like i was dreaming. My fear was waking up, not breaking up.
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