These qualities tend to come out in my clothes, too: Comfy with slightly oversized silhouettes that swallow me up in coziness. Dainty A-line skirts that exude graceful femininity. Deep, muted colors that are comforting and friendly but tend to make me just blend into the background.
Deep down, i want this side of me to be able to come out. To be able to feel strong, sure, independent and able to stand up for myself and others.
At 23, i still haven’t been able to truly exercise my independence. I’ve always had a sense of shelter. I’m grateful for those times, but i long to grow.
I long to let these different aspects of myself intertwine into something more beautiful. Strong, but graceful; Seeking both justice and mercy in the very same heartbeat, without contradiction.
For so long, i’ve told myself: “It isn’t love if it’s selfish”.
There’s still nothing in me that has stopped believing that’s true.
Desire paired with selfishness is only possessiveness and in action, it’s only consumption.
It’s cruel and it enslaves. It suffocates. It disregards the needs, wants, and desires of another. It inflicts pain to all involved.
But what makes something selfish, anyway?
I’m not sure i actually know….. Is everything i want automatically selfish in my mind?… everything i think i can’t have?
Have you ever felt heartache so strong, so beautiful, so wonderfully painful;
…one that makes you sigh with relief, contemplating that you’ve lived and loved to the fullest you could possibly imagine…?
I wonder all the time if i sabotaged our relationship.
Together for 5 beautiful years…Over in the blink of an eye.
Am i the villain of my own story?