Disclaimer: The following poem as a whole does not represent my current relationships or their quality. It simply reflects my fears. Polyamory has been a wonderful, though challenging, adventure full of meaningful relationships that i treasure individually, and deeply. This poem encompasses difficult feelings that have come up in realizing i still have more healing to go through–and that i cannot rely on other people to do the healing work that only i am capable of giving myself. These same feelings would still be here to acknowledge and heal from, no matter what relationship structure. This is my wrestling with those fears, previous wounds, plus societal judgements, and the confusion all these together have at times created.
Bandaids on a Heart Torn Out of My Chest:
New lovers every week, not one considered best.
Bandaids on a heart torn out of my chest.
Loving as i always have, unsure of what’s to come.
I’m done believing that makes me the worst.
I must restore my heart to where it belongs;
Back in my chest, even if that makes me long.
Feeling all i can and trusting my healing process.
I will not use bandaids on a heart torn out of my chest.
There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!
I don’t really have a place to call
“home”. That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful
chills down my spine… “Alissa the nomad”. For as long as i can remember
i deeply believed that was my
one and only possible destiny;
the only thing that could ever
make me feel whole.
Now all i want is to go home.
Through the entirety of almost 5 years together, every time i looked at him or heard him laugh, i felt like i was dreaming. My fear was waking up, not breaking up.