Disclaimer: The following poem as a whole does not represent my current relationships or their quality. It simply reflects my fears. Polyamory has been a wonderful, though challenging, adventure full of meaningful relationships that i treasure individually, and deeply. This poem encompasses difficult feelings that have come up in realizing i still have more healing to go through–and that i cannot rely on other people to do the healing work that only i am capable of giving myself. These same feelings would still be here to acknowledge and heal from, no matter what relationship structure. This is my wrestling with those fears, previous wounds, plus societal judgements, and the confusion all these together have at times created.
Bandaids on a Heart Torn Out of My Chest:
New lovers every week, not one considered best.
Bandaids on a heart torn out of my chest.
Loving as i always have, unsure of what’s to come.
I’m done believing that makes me the worst.
I must restore my heart to where it belongs;
Back in my chest, even if that makes me long.
Feeling all i can and trusting my healing process.
I will not use bandaids on a heart torn out of my chest.
For so long, i’ve told myself: “It isn’t love if it’s selfish”.
There’s still nothing in me that has stopped believing that’s true.
Desire paired with selfishness is only possessiveness and in action, it’s only consumption.
It’s cruel and it enslaves. It suffocates. It disregards the needs, wants, and desires of another. It inflicts pain to all involved.
But what makes something selfish, anyway?
I’m not sure i actually know….. Is everything i want automatically selfish in my mind?… everything i think i can’t have?
Have you ever felt heartache so strong, so beautiful, so wonderfully painful;
…one that makes you sigh with relief, contemplating that you’ve lived and loved to the fullest you could possibly imagine…?
I wonder all the time if i sabotaged our relationship.
Together for 5 beautiful years…Over in the blink of an eye.
Am i the villain of my own story?