Accepting weakness begets strength.
I began my day depressed and anxious and exhausted as soon as i woke up.
I didn’t want to go to group therapy– i just wanted to wallow in frustration and go back to sleep.
But i recognized my responsibility to myself and my mental health.
I can’t force my emotions to change by the snap of my fingers or a fake smile…
…so i decided to embrace my darker feelings and allow myself to feel however i do throughout the day…
…while still adhering to my responsibilities to my well-being. (Including taking a PRN anxiety medication to help me better manage my stress..)
You can even see it in my outfit!
Especially my earrings…
I am queen of my darkness, and equally queen of my light.
I can own my struggles, i can own my pains, i can own those emotions that feel so very close to death.
They are mine, but i am not theirs.
I can relax in who i am, moment to moment, and see beauty even in the dark and quiet.
I aimed only to allow myself to feel, even if the feelings are dark.
I expected myself to be tired and mostly disengaged at group, but present.
….But, you know the funny thing?
I got to group,
I saw the beauty in the people around me, in spite of their traumas, weaknesses, doubts, pains, and very present darknesses.
So much beauty. So much pain. But so much hope, just barely in sight, for each of us.
The beauty of their stories and their vulnerabilities brought about connection and reassurance.
I became so glad i came to the group.
My own darknesses faded to the background,
–Still there, but as a dark canvas, ready to contrast with an image of bright, brilliant colors–
Replaced by a HAPPY, bubbly, talkative, supportive version of myself that i’ve only rarely gotten to experience.
I’m learning to love that girl– That happy-go-lucky but insightful version of me.
…as i’m also learning to love that broken, righteously angry, introspective, and compassionate me.
She is one and the same.
Beautiful and whole.
Strong through weakness.
Compassionate through pain.
Read More of Alissa’s Style Journey:
I wonder all the time if i sabotaged our relationship.
Together for 5 beautiful years…Over in the blink of an eye.
Am i the villain of my own story?
There’s a long journey ahead, and i need to trailblaze the path myself. The paths society has paved do not suit me. Attempting to walk them is dangerous to me and full of strife. “Normalcy” may not exist for me and i don’t want to attempt to adhere to it anymore. I MUST figure out how to make life work with my own needs.
SO, i’m gonna build a “skoolie” to live in!
I don’t really have a place to call
“home”. That used to be an idea that would excite me and send wonderful
chills down my spine… “Alissa the nomad”. For as long as i can remember
i deeply believed that was my
one and only possible destiny;
the only thing that could ever
make me feel whole.
Now all i want is to go home.